Housestuck: The Split
by Great Pikmin Fan
Summary: The final installment of the "SBIG" series, and a sort of spinoff/not-sequel to "Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals." In HHC, our "heroes" go back in time and meet their guardians and ancestors when they were the same age. Now, they decided to split the timeline, and the "first generation" is equals with them. Also, we finally find out Nepeta's backstory.
1. It's About Time

**Housestuck: The Split**

 **Chapter 1: It's About Time**

 **Beginning AN:**

Well, this is it. Sorry that this starts out a bit underwhelming, but for the first half I kind of wanted to start out with a sort of meta-throwback to _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ : Where the chapters are written entirely within three days per "Season." Of course, the second half will be more like _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ , where I spent far more time. But still, I thought that _SBIG_ has been taking itself **way** too fucking seriously lately. (I mean, _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ has a lot of complicated plots going on at once in its Second Half, but it's still ultimately comedy-focused, and not like the old _Sweet Jade and Hella John_ or _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ which just felt like lore for the sake of lore.) The chapters here are _generally_ intended to be short and simple, until the break between Chapters 6 and 7.

I even wrote a longer version of this, originally, and I think it's pretty much complete, but... eh. I haven't even looked at it recently. I do _not_ want this to become bloated, especially with the three-day deadline.

 **Welcome to SBIG!** This is a series of purposefully badly done stories that care very little with making sense or trying to add any emotional impact. Or... that's the intent. This is sort of like a bad attempt at comedy. Now, two things I try to avoid with this when comparing the installments to other fics done bad on purpose. One is making them unreadable (but this... admittedly wasn't always a major focus of mine). Two is that this isn't going to get... too disgusting. Well, it might in some stories, but it won't rely on grossout factors as an entertainment value, and even the ones that do teeter into uncomfortable territory won't be trying to really 'outdo' other fics that do this. The only thing I try to trump myself in is the plot's stupidity. Not how hard it is to read it, and not how disgusted (or infuriated for that matter) you will be by it.

 **Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass hourglass. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

So you should have probably read _Housestuck Hurricane Chronicles_ (the "Housestuck" instead of "Homestuck" was intentional I wanted it to stand out more) all the way, and including the ending tail end part where there's a preview for this story.

If you did not, that's okay. I thought it kind of stucked major ass near the end. Like, not the hot ass like my fanart of an older Nepeta, but the kind of old man ass like John's canon Dad or Jade's canon Graddad. I probably should have started with Grandpa.

Anyway, the Rainbow Crew consists of the "human kids" (they're not kids anymore but they're still human, I think they have weird skin colors like John is literally blue) John, Jade, Rose, Dave, Jane, Jake, Roxy, and Dirk. And all of the player trolls: Damara, Rufioh, Mituna, Kankri, Meulin, Porrim, Latula, Aranea, Horuss, Kurloz, Cronus, Meenah, Aradia, Tavros, Sollux, Karkat, Nepeta, Kanaya, Terezi, Vriska, Equius, Gamzee, Eridan, and Feferi. I have OCD a little so I wanted to include all 32 of them eventually no matter how stitty the writing gets. Anyway, the eight humans there used to be a tiny group called the Housestucks who just played games until Doc Scratch pissed them off by hacking the game. So they ended up crossing paths with the latter twelve trolls, the Zodiacs. Meanwhile, the other twelve trolls - the Alphas because they were the alpha session and I merged the eight humans together right from the start - were-

"Um, Mister Narrator?" Oh, it's Jade.

Hi Jade! What do you want?

"Don't characters usually give recaps, and not us? Ezekiel gives them in _Total Zeksmit_ , Rip gives them a... lot, at times. .GIFfany gave one in _Escape From Fanservice Island_ " (AN that one is not for kids okay? It has swearing (okay, yes, so does this) and headless ghosts with blood and towards the end there's a lot of screwing going on) "and... stuff."

Okay this is about you. You give the recap.

"Good!

"The narrator started off with an okay description. The Alphas used to be together, but they broke apart. Then Meenah ended up with a great amount of power, building herself a castle. Before the Zodiacs and Housestucks, who had long merged in to the Rainbow Crew by that point, could go back to Doc Scratch, Aranea came in to tell them that stopping Meenah is more important. By that point, we already had Damara with us - she was kidnapped and forced to work with Doc Scratch, which is also why the Alphas gave up on heroism. We gathered the Alphas, fought Meenah, but she was forgiven and hired on the group later. We're also all the same age, by the way. 18, total adults.

"After a _lot_ of other things - Pikmin trying to castrate Jake and an evil troll empress literally named Troll Empress trying to get us to form a jury - we ended up with this song that can split people to an opposite-sex clone of them sort of based on their 'inner personality,' called a counterpart."

The counterparts was just something I came up with because I was bothered that none of the eight humans had a yellow color, and compared to the trolls almost (limebloods) having a full spectrum the humans just had a lot less colors and it's a dumb idea, also speaking of colors I wanted a full rainbow of all the babes and with John and Equius both being dudes there's no pure blue to-

"Can I continue?"

Yes, please. But I think the counterparts are a dumb idea now.

Jade cleared her throat. "So now there are counterparts! More things happened, and we ended up going back in time where our guardians and 'ancestors' were the same age! We teamed up and found our way to the portal! But before going... we were thinking about adding the guardians to our group. Even if that would cause a time paradox, since in the main timeline they stayed and raised us when we were born. So we used a quantum coin flip. In _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ Chapter 21, which is when the time travel happened, the coin flip said that we would leave the first generation behind. But here... the coin landed on stay, and Roxy taught the first generation the ability to make counterparts!"

And gender bend!

"That's a stupid element."

Right. Forget it...

"Anyway, here's the story!"

* * *

So the first generation was cloned. Honestly, you guys I think at this point like the clone AU version stuff more than I do. I'll come up with the names LATER (Chapter 7?) but until then, you can make them up.

The first gen's counterparts aren't even that important. I tried that already. Everything was too confusing.

So the group was by the same place that Chapter 21 of HHC ended. I honestly don't remember exactly where that was, some kind of... basement time portal base or something? Well, they won't be there for long, so it's not important.

"Now what?" Asked Rose.

"NOW YOU HAVE CREATED A SPLIT TIMELINE! YOU HAVE LOST THE LLAWS TO TIME!"

It was Kamina! For those that don't know, he's a time traveling Spartain. He traveled over there on his Delorean and gave one of his _Gurren Lagann_ lectures about not going through time.

"You should move on the future and accept the past! Here,"

He destroyed the time-splitting quantum coin.

"There. No more time travel."

John just got really angry.

"Really?!" He asked. "Well, that's horrible! What if we need to stop something!"

"It's all about moving foreward. Look, I will let you at least go back to 2011... IF YOU CAN BEAT THIS THING EVEN WE SPARTAINS KIND OF STRUGGLED WITH!"

Then Kamina snapped his fingers, and the group was in Sparta! ...Again? I'm having trouble keeping track of what was before or after Chapter 22.

"I'd like to introduce to you..." announced Kamina like this was some kind of show. Isn't he funny? "THE SHADOW HOURGLASS!"

It just looked like an hourglass, but purple sand and with angry eyes.

"Aw." Said Dave. "THAT'S ADORABLE! :)"

And then the Hourglass suddenly became gigantic and a bunch of sharp teeth came out.

"GAH THAT'S SCARY!"

And then it turned in to this purple flesh blob thingy with a bunch of eyes that were overlapped and mixing, and let out demonic garbles.

"ok now youre just being a dick" Said Dave.

The Shadow Hourglass roared and rewound time so it could roar again and be double-scary. The Rainbow Crew got ready and-

"Wait. Equius." Said Nepeta. "Do you still have the light arrow magic?"

"Ye.s" He replied.

Nepeta shrugged. "Use them."

So he encchanted his arrows with light using the scroll that John and Jade bought from London back in Chapter 15 I think (or 14, the end of the jury arc?). And Equius fired, instantly destroying the Shadow Hourglass.

Kamina, who was supervizing with drinking coffee, spat that coffee out.

"Wait, that almost feels like _cheating!_ " He cried.

"Okay, see that's why I'm the leader." Said Nepeta. "And yes, Sage of Spirit, isn't that a very broken move?"

John went "Hrmph" at Nepeta calling herself the leader, foreshadowing a major conflict.

Kamina sighed. "Alright, fine, you guys can go back to the future."

"That's the present." Said Nepeta.

"No, for you guys... it's the future!"

* * *

 **(2011, the future)**

So the team was back and - wait a minute...

There were flags that showed skies with rainbows on them everywhere, which read PRISM CREW. The team looked around a bit.

"Wait a minute..." said Nepeta. "NO. There's no way. It can't be! Is it...?"

"Is it what?" Asked Rose. Not "inquizzikally" as Rose usually would and would say, but reminder that Rose here is kind of a dick.

"I... okay, I should tell you my real story. Why I'm trying so hard to be best leader. And why I want to be important. It all started with... someone. And I think I know that someone is. She's alive in this timeline, and she-"

"What exactly do we have right here...?" Said a meanancing American female voice.

The team looked around and found someone in the shadows with long, flowing hair. Then she jumped out of the shadows. She was a cool-looking tall woman with long light blue hair, she wore a pair of these odd green goggles that looked kinda sinister, and she at first glance had on this tight bodysuit of black that had a golden leo sign on the chest, but on closer inspection it was actually just paint. Just painted on. She smirked at the Rainbow Crew.

"Welcome to the Prism Crew." She said.

"Are you..." Asked Nepeta, "Aibur?"

She smiled. "Of course I am! I am very widely-known, how won't people know my true greatness?"

"Okay, Nepeta, you need to tell us what the fuck this is." Said John.

And you'll find out in three days! Cliffhanger!

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

So the next chapter, "Don't Split Yourself," will be a bit longer and more world building-ish. I was juggling this along with the near-releases of _Steve Buhvillen's Intriguing Group_ , something for the second year of _run:gifocalypse_ (that something was _The Four Edges of Gravity Falls_ ), and the "finale" of _Total Zeksmit Plains_.


	2. Don't Split Yourself

**Housestuck: The Split**

 **Chapter 2: Don't Split Yourself**

 **Beginning AN:**

If it seems like the new Hecksing timeline is considerably more detailed than the rest of this, it's because I just took it from the old version of Chapter 1 of this. And yes, I actually glanced back at the incomplete, old plan for the first chapter this time. I did cut off the ending part and altered it towards this plot... I will post the old version of the two chapters eventually, so you can see what I mean.

 **Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass cat alien (that is also technically an expert teenager...). Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

"AIBUR!" Nepeta held her arms out for a hug. "It's good to see you ba-"

Aibur punched her in the face.

"Now, if you will excuse me, you peasants are tresspassing within the glorious boundaries of the Prism Crew. Die."

The gold leo sign (not gold like goldblood but like the internet color gold; like Homer Simpson's skins) began glowing as Aibur started filling with energy.

"NOW, COME AT ME!" She yelled.

The Rainbow Crew shrugged.

"Oh, one last recap thing," said Jade to the reader, "the Alphas are badass. I forgot that. Now:"

Damara used a telekinetic blast without even looking, but instead of pushing Aibur she laughed.

"I AM IMMUNE TO PSYCHICS!" She shouted.

Laughing, Vriska tried to Manipul8 her, but she was able to sense that and looked down at her.

"WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?!" And then she threw a ki blast around Vriska, who barely dodged.

"Okay, we have to find a strategy around her." Said Nepeta.

"SCREW THAT!" Shouted Mituna, who blasted at Aibur with his red-blue lasers...

...Which had no effect. Aibur just shrugged it off.

And Kankri's super sickle move did nothging either. Shit.

"Now it's my turn."

So then she got a giant golden gauntlet thing and punched the ground, sending the entire Rainbow Crew flying.

"And that's just me..." she said as Nepeta began to black out. The others were already blacked out. "Wait until you see the full might of the glorious Prism Crew!"

"Ai... bur..." Nepeta said before falling asleep completely.

* * *

Let's take an intermission to show what the **split** timeline did to Hecksing. (That's where the title came in.) Anyway:

So... first Alucard's whole thing with meeting everyone and stuff in _Hecksing: The Dawn_ was the same. All the way up until between chapters 5 and 6 - Rip's invasion of the Harley manor, covered in _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_. Rip did not exactly have a complete change of heart without Jade to remind her of something that _WILL_ be covered in this fan fic so when she went to betray and work for the Millennium the event during her secret backstab work didn't happen so she wasn't exactly purposefully trying to get herself fired anymore. This will be important later.

By 2011 Hecksing still ended up as just Alucard, Integra, and Walter. (Oh and the nameless Guards.) Well, Alucard still ended up getting Seras recruited and stuff. Uh... I don't really care or know about Pip and I like my OC Carl, so Carl ended up still killing Pip... now, Anderson, Flanders, Luke, and Card Guy still died... the first major change was back in chapter 2, "Valentine's Day."

You see when Jan jumped out with now an arm, Doctor wasn't there to say "Hm I could use you for something." He wasn't blown up either since there's no detonation chip thingies. ANYWAY, PLOT TWIST: Walter only ripped off Jan's arm because he knew about the project in advance! It was the Millennium thing! (Also the arm was made with help of the Rainbow Crew unknowingly to get revenge on Alucard killing Edward Cullen.) So instead Doctor just appeared in hologram form (didn't feel it was important enough to go in person) and told Jan "Nah you failed, get back to base we'll think of something else for you to do." And Jan went "Fuck... okay." and reluctantly used his guns to propell himself there. (Ah, the good old times when I had to come up with ways for the characters to travel large distances, before the Limebloods and portal rocks could just teleport everyone wherever.)

Cut to chapter 4, the interesting shit where things go down. Rip no longer faked being stupid just to be fired and went on the mission - by the way, no, none of the Harleys were killed in that mansion thing, they're all safe don't worry - and Jan couldn't trick her out of it. Not like Jan had any sort of extra reason to go on, since he didn't have his robo arm. While there, Alucard still went to investigate. That's when they re-met. Alucard and Rip, and by the way in the loop timeline they never really had a chance to re-meet after the events of _Hecksing: The Dawn_ which is kind of sad if you think about it too hard.

But Alucard used the power of friendship (no this had nothing to do with him secretly mind-clearing her with Sage of Shadow powers, in face not much of what goes down in the last three parts of this _Crconikals_ events were caused by the Sages being Sages just their personalities) to suddenly make Rip realize that killing around and fighting goodguys was wrong, and reminded her of all the good times they had together. Rip nodded and they both started traveling back to the United Kingdoms of London.

Meanwhile, Zorin was now sent on the invasion solo. Because she didn't have Rip's coolass bullet powers helping her and because Carl was a more badass than Pip (Pip just has guns which can be blocked by magic cards but Carl's sonic wave guitars that could blow them away read chapter 3 of HUC, it proved this shit) Zorin was quickly outnumbered (eventually Carl sonic waved all the Millennium soldiers and he was cool enough to keep the Wild Geese alive, so one Seras one Carl and a shitload of Geese compared to one Zorin is an outnumbering, also one Integra since she never left because there wasn't a Alucard death so she didn't need to get a replacement). But Carl thought she was hot, he had a thing for tattoos, so he just kind of tied her up and still kept her alive. And Seras confessed her love for him so she would kind of agree with his things. Zorin also confessed her new sudden love for Carl and just like that redemption was in the air.

Because Alucard wasn't dead Walter didn't reveal that he was really part of the Millennium, so he kind of had to play along when Integra had no other order or anything and did the right thing to send Hecksing out to fight the invasion. Later that night, Alucard and Rip returned, just in timr for Rip to tell them about the plan to capture Quimby. Because Alucard was the go-to solo mission guy (Carl was originally sent on the chapter 8 mission solo because Integra didn't like how he basically invited the ladies to run her bed, but since Integra kept a close eye on them and since there was only three and not four because Rip wasn't there yet Carl, Zorin, and Seras could have fit in Seras's coffin. Remember Rip has huge tits that's why.) he went to try to keep Quimby from being kidnapped. In this case Jan went with the Captain instead of Walter, because of a conversation Alucard had with Rip earlier he recognized the Captain and asked if he wanted to join Hecksing. The two of them teamed up to kill Jan, Alucard familiarized him, and eventually just let Quimby go safetly.

However, a bad thing happened earlier in the morning. Because neither he nor Homer Simpson were killed, the Troll Empress's original plan to draft Alucard and Homer to the jury duty were as promised. Let's see... Alucard, Homer, Integra, Seras, Rip, Carl, Captain, Zorin, Walter... that's almost enough for a jury right there (remember the reason why the Rainbow Crew didn't want to help out John and Jade was because actually Rose's plan all along was to reunite with the first generation Crew members, and also none of them really liked jury duty anyway), let's add in Quimby. With a full jury of ten, suddenly Lawyer Guy attacked. Since Alucard wasn't as stupid as Carl was, when LG stabbed Integra he simply asked Seras to turn her into a vampire, and he didn't do it himself since otherwise that wouldn't awaken her vampire powers (his vampire-turning stuff was exhausted with Seras a few days ago, unlike most vampires he can't actually convert that many people without long rests). During this crossfire Walter decided "Okay they're just gonna pile on more and more vampires and less and less Millenniums the sooner I just disobey orders and reveal myself as a Millennium the easier even if I think now it's too hard" Just after Alucard and Rip deactivated Lawyer Guy, found his chip saying he was made by the Troll Empress, and Integra led to go after Troll Empress (Carl didn't want to give that order because he was a lazy ass and already fed up with the Millennium as-is) and also got her vampire powers awakened by killing and eating the traitor Walter. Because Walter was really a fallen angel and Integra absorbed him, this also made Integra very powerful. Fallen angel skills, nice.

So just like the Brazil thing everyone except Integra (if we're counting the jury then Quimby didn't want to go either also he has a country to rule; Homer survived the Lawyer Guy fight he just trying to forget about it) went over on Alucard's flying tank to America (even though the Troll Empress is the queen of the island of Alternia, her actual office is in America because she turned Alternia into so much of a shithole even she doesn't really like living there) where they encountered something...

* * *

"Urgh..." Nepeta woke up and saw Hecksing above her.

"We found you passed out and in the Prism Crew's prisim-prison." Integra explained. "Now we've recruited you."

"YES YOU'RE SAFE. :d" Said Alucard with a big grin.

Then Integra pointed a gun at Nepeta. Who didn't even flinch.

"Now... you naked weirdo." I forgot to mention that the Rainbow Crew has all kinds of weird outfits, and Nepta's is naked. "What the fuck were you doing able to infiltrate the infamous Prism Crew like that? No ordinary person could do that. We are a secret organization, and a shady one, so I am not afraid to demand fucking answers like this."

"WAIT WAIT WAIT INTEGRA!" Alucard cried. "UM, DON'T DO ANYTHING DRASTIC AND STUFF...!"

Integra sighed and put the gun down. "Fine."

"We're actually from a different timeline." Rose explained. "We are known as the Rainbow Crew."

Integra put her gun back out - and aimed it at Nepeta. "Ah, are you a branch organization of the Prism Crew then?!"

"No. We were part of a different timeline, then we went back, and split the timeline just to, uh... it was Roxy's idea. So we met with this Master Chief Kamina guy who lectured us about using time travel and we basically I think ended up assassinating someone to do his dirty work... wait, what a bastard."

"Kamina?" Alucard frowned. "I worked with him. I don't like that guy."

Kanaya pointed an angry finger at Alucard. "WAIT A MINUTE! IN MY ORIGINAL TIMELINE, YOU KILLED MY OLD BOYFRIE- oh wait. We made up for that in the... war arc?"

Alucard shrugged but also smiled like a loveable idiot. "I'm sorry I have no idea what you are talking about. Now Integra, can you please put the gun down?"

Integra sighed. "Alright. Anyway, the Prism Crew is a powerful organization of evil. They are not a Hitler Revival Group, but they are still pretty bad."

Then suddenly an explosion happened! It was Aibur, who blew through the wall of the... uh, I guess the Hecksing American fort! And she was with fifteen other catgirls (but they notably all seemed to be different species) in the same painted on uniform as her! Aibur smirked.

"Ah, Hecksing." She said. "I knew I should bring _some_ backup. Prepare for an utter ass-kicking!"

And then there was like this one with made out of fire that threw lots of fire, and one made of water that threw lots of water. Hecksing had to run out and hide with the rainbow Crew. (PS all of Hecksing is there not jsust Alucard and Integra.) But then Nepeta looked at Alucard.

"So... Sage of Shadow..." Said Nepeta. "hrm, and said you knew Kamina..."

"Yes." Alucard replied.

"And Aibur's alive in _this_ timeline... Hecksing in general, do you think you can make contact with Kamina? I am thinking of reviving the Aibur in the other timeline so that version of me can be happy, and knocking this Aibur out of being evil so the me on this timeline can be happy."

"OKAY BUT FIRST!" John shouted. Dave shusshed him because that would have given away their position. John was about to keep shouting in protest but he knew Dave had a point, one Abiur is badass plenty is just overkill. "you'll need to explain some things! who is Aibur?!"

Nepeta sighed.

"Okay, backstory time." She said.

Which we will find out next chapter!

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

Already more than a third of the way through Season 1!

And trust me, if you think this is moving too fast, you probably really wouldn't have liked the alternative where it would have taken itself way too seriously, dragged on way too long, and devoted way too much screentime for the whole Rainbow Crew.

As per _Crconikals_ tradition, the next chapter will be out in three days. This will keep going until Chapter 6 on the 15th.

Anyway, since I lost yesterday's _Isaac_ daily run (although not today's), I gotta think of a new avatar. Good bye, _ank _ills, hello... something else, I guess.


	3. Buttstory (it's a Backstory Joke)

**Housestuck: The Split**

 **Chapter 3: Buttstory (it's a Backstory Joke)**

 **Beginning AN:**

 **Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass clothing monster thing. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

"Okay." Said Nepeta. "Backstory time. It happened when we were in kindergarten together, and we had a field trip to the Troll Empress's clothing factory."

* * *

 **(Flashback but it's long so I won't do it in italics because that might hurt your eyes or look boring or be like "WHEN IS THE NORMAL TEXT COMING BACK?!")**

So anyway we see young Nepeta and Aibur going together on a class field trip over towards a huge factory of clothing being made. Nepeta in the present narrated:

 _Then something bad happened..._

Then suddenly something horrible, which was that these cloth-tentacles came out of nowhere, happened! And they grew mouths and ate everyone there, including the teacher, but upon Nepeta they sniffed weirdly and left.

* * *

 **(Oh, okay, I guess that's the end of the flashback. I was expecting something longer)**

"And then she was dead..." Nepeta said. "Aibur and I were childhood friends."

* * *

 **(Oh wait, no! There's the part about smart Nepeta! How Smart Nepeta was made!)**

 _I went and tried to learn as much as I could about bringing people back. So I went out of my way to accel in school. Also, I had no idea why the things spared me until a few years ago where I finally figured something BIG out..._

We see Nepeta reading books in school. It's like a montage, each year older. Except each year she was in a different environment: skipping grades and shit. She was in college in like... when most people were in middle school? And was done with that early and doing some advanced projects.

 _I wantd to get the attention of the time-traveling Spratans._

So she was standing by a table thing, now just 16 (two years ago), with an apartatus known as the 'Time Energy Maker' or something. It was generating some temporal energy for time travel.

"Meh." Said Doc Scratch who walked right past it.

But then Jenkins, a Spartan cop (see: _Hecksing: The Dawn_ ) walked over to it an examined it.

"Hrm you have our support." She said.

* * *

 **(Present. Also, that was th "story." ...Where's the "butt?" Heh.)**

"...Also, I found out that I can't die. Exactly."

"What do you mean?" Gamzee asked.

"Well, there's soemthing from another multiverse that is a code keeping me alive until _The Simpsons_ ends 'in real life.' Or maybe it was until some 'Omega Clock' expires, one or the other. I can't remember."

"So what is this 'Sage' thing I'm unfamiliar with that." Said Alucard.

"CAN I BE A SAGE? :)" Asked the Captain.

"No, you're not a Sage." Nepeta replied looking at Captain seriously. "But anyway, Alucard, you are. Now, there are these temples in Canada."

"We're surrounded right now." Said Integra. "The Prism Crew, an organization of evil no matter how much friends yoru 'Aibur' was, is very powerful. We needa backup way out."

"Say, do we still have the portal rock thing?" Nepeta asked.

"Um, I have it now..." Rose said. I honestly can't remember the original owner but if it's not Rose, let's just say Rose stole it.

"Let's use that to try getting away from the Prism Crew right now..."

So then Rose shot one portal by the feet of everyone, and shot another one _far_ out the window. The blue portal - the one shot by their feet - revealed a nice park area. So the group went out.

It turned out to be in Chicago, by the treehouse! Or... where the Treehouse _was_ in the loop timeline.

But in the Split Timeline, it was taken over and was a horrible fortress by the Prism Crew!

"Really..." Integra said. "I don't believe another one of _those_ is good for that timeline that you are from. You have to mercy kill her."

"No! Aibur's nice!" Nepeta protested. "I mean... this is close! As close as I can get to having her back! She probably..."

"A lot can happen between Kindergarten and adulthood, _believe me._ " Said Integra. "Anyway, do you even have a way of getting _to_ Canada? Becides that rock thing?"

"OH, I DO!" Cheered Captain. "YOU CAN ALL JUMP ON MY BACK AND I CAN FLY YOU!"

But then the Captain's shouting alerted the Prism Crew of the Rainbow Crew and Hecksing's presense!

"Hello I am going to introduce even more members, because I am an increasingly growing asshole like that." Said Aibur. "Anyway, one of the new catgirls in this Prism Crew group is a species with a lot of good hearing? Then again, don't do cats have good hearing anyway?"

There were even more of them! Last chapter had, like, twelve? This is thirty!

"Oh, shoot. We should go. Captain, uh..." said Nepeta.

Then the Captain, nodding, turned in to a _GIANT_ wolf form and everyone hopped on his back and he flew off.

"Wha... what in the world hell is this?" Asked Seras. Oh, right! This is in London, like Harry Potter! So if they said 'blood,' it would double as a London joke and a vampire joke!

Anyway they were off, but of course Aibur was following them and grinning evilly.

"So who's the other Sages I really want to know. :D" Said Alucard.

"Kamina as I said." Said Nepeta. "And we need to gather these Sages, by the way. Rose Quartz who lives in the Delmarva Penisula somewhere is another one. There's Hank Hill, Sage of Forest. Brenda Supernude, Sage of Fire. And Sheldon Cooper, Sage of Water. Do you know any of those names?"

"Hank, obviously, he has his own show. And I fought Rose Quartz in the past."

"Okay."

"NEPETA ARE YOU AND AIBUR RELATED?!" Asked the Captain. "Um, no offense your butts are the same sizes."

This is where the name 'Butt' in the chapter title comes in! At least, now so far.

"It's, uh... no, it was just how I was born. It's dense, that's what. Alos, because of it, it's my one weakness..."

Everyone leaned in because Nepeta seemed OP:

"I can't swim."

Oh that's disappointing that's just the Green Hortnet Kato's guy's weakness.

"HEY SPEAKING OF GREEN HORNET," Said the Captain ."I WANNA PUT ON A SONG."

It was the _Shadow Death Valley_ thing.

"Okay, anyway, let's go get the Sages!" Nepeta cheered.

Oh yes and there is a question raised. So how come Aibur wasn't killed in the same field trip in this timeline? It's a mystery. But tune in next time!

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

I'm pretty sure that the next three chapters - in other words, the second half of the first half (yes, and 'yes' is all I have to say on the matter), will be a bit longer. Especially compared to this.

I probably should have merged the Bill Cipher story thing that Chapter 7 of _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ promised in here since this is short and I feel like I've gotta do that for the first half anyway. But meh. The stuff about Canada and the temples would probably be a more exciting place to put that in. I mean, it might just be two chapters, but I've spent a week on just "We need to run away from Aibur." It's getting old.

Also, I find it amusing that Chapters 1 and 2 add up to exactly 4,444 words according to this site's counter. Oh well, time to get rid of that "words: 4,444..."


	4. Finally! To Canada!

**Housestuck: The Split**

 **Chapter 4: Finally! To Canada!**

 **Beginning AN:**

 **Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass... giant one-eyed thing with two huge hands that plays the bongos, or whatever. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

"Oh, bloody hell." Said Integra. "I did NOT want to get dragged in to this! Captain, anyway, how far unil we make it to Canada?!"

"UM WE'RE KINDA CLOSING IN I THINK, THE BORDER IS CLOSE."

"Wait a fuck! Canada is huge! It's a country! And a big one like Russia, not a small one like Hawaii! How do you even know _where_ in Canada we will end up?" Asked Integra.

"GPS." Said Nepeta.

"Do you even have one?!" Asked Integra.

"Yes, I came prepared."

She hid it in her hair. Remember, the Rainbow Crew have all kinds of outfits, and Nepeta's is naked.

"TURN RIGHT AND THEN FOR A HUNDRED MORE MILES YOU'LL BE AT THE LIGHT TEMPLE."

But then ther was laiughing!" "MWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA" it sounded like that.

Aibur! She had this big golden spaceship thing! With the leo sign! And now she had, uh... let's just say 128 Prism Crew members now! (Wait, hold on, isn't that a mirror with the Rainbow Crew? Uh... eight humans and twenty-four trolls make 32. First generation is 32 more, so 64. And the counterparts duplicate them... 128. Huh, so it was only at like 96 for the loop timeline if you counted the first generation which I wouldn't? Anyway, there are more Prisms than even that just wait and see.)

"OKAY, NOW YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT MY SHIP, THE GLORIOUS LEO-TRON, WILL HAVE LASERS THAT WILL LASER YOU!"

"I'm getting sickf of fighting her mate!" Said Jake. "Nepeta, isn't there a quick way to throw her off?"

Shrugging, Nepeta took out a ball of yarn - also in her hair (remember Gideon in _Gravity Falls_ can do things like that so why not Nepeta? I know they're not the same person but still).

"I have no idea if this will work, but..."

She threw it to the left side.

"Ooh!" Said Aibur. "Yarn!"

And then her ship, the Leo-Tron, flew off after it.

"TURN LEFT." Said the GPF.

And so they did and crashed in to some glowing holy temple thing. Captain in particular hit his head and had that pink bump thingy you see in cartoons.

"You have reached your destination." The GPS finished.

"GPS Lady is hot, I wanna fuck her." Said Jake. Oh, silly Jake.

* * *

"Now, we only have one Sage with us..." Said Nepeta, pointing to Alucard. "But! We can invite them and stuff! Now, all we need is just a little bit of magic, and I can revive Aibur and _pawsibbly_ do another something!"

And then Hank Hill zipped in, and he had Kamina in his hand.

"Hey uh, guys... pals, I guess." Said Hank Hill. "Did you know that in this timeline, there's something big and attacking us now called the... uh, the Not-Death Star? I have a ship crafted just for it, but you might need... Sage Vision."

"Hey, what the heck?!" Protested Kamina. "I just told these idiots about time travel! And you there, what are you doing?! I thought you were like some kind of weird guardian fairy that's actually half-troll or something since you're John and Nepeta's ectobiological son."

"Just our son." Said Nepeta. "No need to overcomplicate it with 'Ectobiological.'"

"I mean..." Said John, "He's not _really_ my son, and..." he shuddered.

"I heard you needed this guy and we made a deal proper." Said Hank. That deal happened offscreen. "You specifically said he'd be the hardest to reach because of his time traveling. Now, where's my end?"

Sighing, Nepeta whipped out a phone and called a number.

Then Rose Quartz, Safe of Light, drove up in a limo. She also had some kind of electrical device thing that looked like a vacuum.

"YES!" Hank smiled. "A thing that can be used to convert propane in to _pure_ propane! Oh mnan Nepeta, you are a genius!"

"Hey, we can do that." Said Kaitana. "In fact, I wish you didn't pretend we didn't exist."

"A lot of us can say that..." Dirk said, silently giving Nepeta a look.

"Anyway!" Said Nepeta. "Rose Quartz, you're the Sage of Light. Hank, the Sage of Forest. All I need is two more, and like in Chapter 24 of HHHC, I got their numbers and everything!"

Then the group heard screaming as a fast car began zooming around. It was some pink-haired anime chick with a uniform that had an exposed thong at all times, who was driving. The screamer was some nerdguy in a Flash T-shirt (because it's Friday..? Fuck, I forgot the timeline of this). This was Brenda from _Perfect Hair Forever_ and Sheldon ffrom _Big Bang_.

"There! Perfect! The Six Sages, united at last!" Nepeta said. "Brenda, Sage of Fire, and Sheldon, Sage of Water!"

"THIS FU - I am highly sorry, but I do not swear in explicitves - CKING CRAZY ANIME CHICK KINAPPED ME AND DROVE ME OFF EVERYWHERE!" Said Sheldon Cooper, Sage of Water. Ironic because he can only swim on the floor. "Oh wait, nevermind, I know you. Hi Brenda. Yeah, she and her friend"

Brenda gave Sheldon a look. And not because she's only in eight episodes while _Big bang Theory_ has like thirty seasons and it's ongoing I mean come on TV what the fuck, I want schoolgirl thong to be thirty seasons not "Look at me green lanter." No, it's because he called Gerald her friend.

"Oh, right." Sheldon corrected himself. "I meant to say was what, some guy hhe knew competed against Leonard and Penny."

"Wait." Nepeta got out a ton of papers. "I thought thwas Multiverse A."

"It was. I mean in another timeline. But yeah, we're pen pals."

"HOW OLLD IS SHE I WANT TO KNOW IF THINKING ABOUT HER ALONE WOULD MAKE THE COPS COME OR NOT." Asked Dave.

"Actually, she's 41. Legal." Said Sheldon Cooper. "In fact, her Multiverse A counterpart has a 20 year-old daughter."

"Anyway." Said Nepeta, "We should split up."

The exact teams that they split up in aren't _too_ important, basically most of them went to Hank and I'll go over the ones that didn't. But it seemed like John was about to go to Hank as assigned but then something suspicious about Rose Quartz being the only one going in the Light Temple with Nepeta shadily following her, so he went in after them.

* * *

 **(Light Temple)**

Rose went over and unlike the other temples which were like _Ocarina of Time_ the Light Temple was just a simple church-like area. There was what looked like a stone slab that was yellow and had the OOT light symbol on it.

"So can I call the Crystal Gems for backup?" Asked Rose Auartz. "I mean, this place... I'm just by myself."

Nepeta slowly walked up towards her. Her eyes were shadowed so that was foreshadowing (with literal shadows!) that something shadowy was about to happen.

"Rose, please stand on that slab. It will do something to ensure maximum Sage power. Now, the Light Temple does not have a boss unlike the other temples, so..."

Once Rose stood there, Nepeta took a gun out of her pocket dimension thingy and fired. It was a special anti-Gem gun that shattered her Gem, and it even shot a magic field thingy that grounded it in to dust. Nepeta's eyes were visible, and they looked serious and dark.

John gasped.

"EVIL!" He shouted, jumping out of the shadows and pointing at her.

Nepeta just pointed two fingers at herself. "NO, MORALLY AMBIGUOUS!"

"EVIL!"

"MORALLY AMBIGUOUS!"

"EVIL!"

"MORALY AMBIGUOUS!"

Then Meulin broke in.

"STOP FIGHTING! BE FRIENDS!" She said.

Neither John nor Nepeta were impressed.

"Look," said Nepeta, "In order to stop some certain things, I _need_ to have Sage Vision activated, and that _requires_ the death of the Saages."

"Wait a minute!" John came to a revalation. John, revalation, it's like Bible symbolism. "That means Alucard will die! No! And on a Chapter 4 again, just like in - um nevermind that's a spoiler."

So he took off running.

* * *

 **(Shadow Temple)**

Jade, Kanaya, Porrim, and Alucard were going through the Shadow Temple. Oh, actually, in my little "group system" I have in mind, Jane, Equius, and Horrus woul,d have also been with Rose Quartz normally, but Nepeta needed to be alone with her so that she could assassin without being seen (so now they're here, which is appropriate as it was the teamup of Kanaya and Equius that resulted in Alucard's Loop Timeline death). But John tagged along out of suspicious and Meulin... how _did_ Meulin get there? A mystery. Anyway, they made it easily although Jade I think was scared she's the scared one right?

At the end was Bongo Bongo.

"THAT'S A STUPID FUCKING NAME FOR A MONSTER IN THE SCARY TEMPLE!" Shouted... that would be OOC for everyone in the scene. Alucard would be the closest fit since all-caps but even then he doesn't swear. Uh, it was Porrim, I guess. She was an idiot right? And plus we need more A1. They're awesome.

"UM, HI THERE." Said Alucard. "SOME TROLL TEEN TOLD US WE HAVE TO KILL YOU?!"

Bongo Bongo just said "Urgh, I don't like you... you're ANNOYING A BIT, RUINED MY SLEEP, AND I NEEDED TO FIND A CREEPY WELL TO HIDE IN SO I CAN EAT MY FUCKING SNACKS IN PEACE! ALSO, THAT GREEN TROLL OVER THERE WEARING SEE-THROUGH, DON'T YOU DARE MOCK THE GREAT NAME OF BONGO BONGO! YOU SEE, IT'S BECAUSE THIS ARENA IS A BONGO!"

He slammed a hand on it and that made everyone jump.

"Alucard!" Shouted Jade. "You're Alucard Badguy! You should be able to kill him! With your... you're powerful!"

"THIS STUPID GROUND HE KEEPS JUMPING US UP AND DOWN! d:" Alucard angry-faced. "I DON'T LIKE IT! IT MAKE SIT HARD TO FOCUS MY AIM TO SHOOT THINGS!"

"D:" Said Jde.

Then suddenly John burst in! He dropped down and was angry!

"ALUCARD, WAIT! NEPETA IS JUST LURING YOU IN TO A TRAP SO THAT SHE CAN KILL YOU!"

But then because Alucard was bouncing John accidentally pushed Alucard off the platform and in to a glowing super holy-knife thing Bongo Bongo started holding.

"HAHA!" He said. Bongo Bongo, not Alucard. "I WAS PREPARED! I AM A POWERFUL ELDRITCH HORRRO SO OF COURSE I'M BETTER AT WEAPONS THAN JUST SOME SHITTY VAMPIRES YOU FIGHT! THIS IS SOMETHING THAT CAN SPECIFICALLY KILL AN ALUCARD-TIER VAMPIRE!"

"Tier lists don't exist." Said Equiusa.

"Ack, crap." Said Alucard. "Well, I guess I'm somehow dead now. Good bye." And then he died.

John shook his head.

* * *

 **(Spirit Temple)**

In the Spirit Temple, Kamina was walking with pride and having a good stride (pride stride? I don't know that sounds like some kind of Tumblr name or something). With him are... I don't know, I guess Tavros, Rufioh, and Jake. And uh... Dirk? Because Dirk was (I mean Bro sorry different characaters) a retroactive Kamina reference.

"OKAY EVERYONE!" Kamina said. "NOW WE'RE AT THE BOSS DOOR!"

He opened the boss door.

Now, the fire and ice witches are major just _Zelda_ characters but Bongo Bongo, Morpha, and Volvagia are kind of more just genetic monsters. So uh, instead of them let's have another fire/ice boss but an OC to this. Um, they're dinosaurs, because I don't think there were ever Dinosaurs in Zelda games. But one's fire and one's ice.

"Rawr." Both of them said.

"DON'T WORRY I GOT THIS!" Shouted Kamina who charged forward.

Then he just got blasted by both fire and ice. Not to be confused with that Ralph Bashinki movie with the thong princess.

Wait, fuck, she was supposed to be 15 or something, right? Goddammit.

Anyway, Kamina wsas dead now.

Anyway let's wrpa up this chapter I really just want this fucking over with, especially since my waifu from the 1980s movie or whatever decade it is is techncialyl a trap for the police. Like you show 90% of her butt and- ANYWAY.

This was in a split screen because that's cool. Jade and Porrim both teamed up on Bongo Bongo - even though Bongo Bongo turned invisible, Jade just threw ice from the Dracula ice scroll (just like Equisus's light magic, and also John's fire magic as we'll see later). at him. On the split screen - get it, split like _Housestuck: The Split_ , the split timeline - Dirk just lept up with a katana.

Porrim did some cool chainsaw combo thing while Rufioh finsihed off the two dinos with a wing-tornado thingy. They were dead.

"So John," Asked Jade blushing, "Why are you here?"

"BECAUSE NEPETA IS EVIL!"

Then, Nepeta slowly stepped out of the shadows (get it? Shadow temple?)

"Morally. Ambiguous." She said.

Then Aibur crashed in on her ship and was firing lasers at them. Oh shit! And she now had 360 members total. She grinned.

"Missed me, motherfuckers?!" She asked.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Spirit Temple, Cortana and Yoko (the former from _Halo_ , the latter from _Gurren Lagann_ , it's like a reunion of the two women special in Master Chief/Kamina's life which is kind of cool since he fills both the roles in the story, technically three roles if you think he's like Nabooru because Sage of Spirit), walked in.

"OH SHIT KAMINA'S DEAD." Said Yoko.

Cortana looked at her. "You _DO_ realized you were killed in the loop timeline around this year, and that we Spartans do not believe in using time travel to bring people bakc."

"What does that mean?" Asked Yoko.

Cortana holographically generated a gun and pointed it at Yoko.

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

We're over halfway there boys! Now all we have to do is go up the-

What happened to the stairs?

As _Escape From Fanservice Island_ 's finale will explain, I for some reason now have a mild obsession with trying to cram that as a meme. But in all seriousness, Season 1 now has four out of its six chapters done, and with the temple-stuff in the story, it feels like it's finally moving along faster. Boy, it feels like I've spent an eternity working on this, even though I only started a few days before the end of 2017. Also, I _have_ technically been working on this story all year, so...

I'm probably going to be a bit grumpy for the next two updates to this because I've put some of my other stories on hiatus for this, thinking that it would have taken a bit more effort to do this so that I wouldn't have any time for them. Well, I do. This hiatus might be the reason why I came up with the new plan for _Ordinarily United_ (a Fictionpress story) in the first place, but still, right now I'd really like to get to that plan and my own self-rule is that it's going to be on hold until HTS is over.

I _do_ have a poll on my profile for what you want me to get back to when I'm done with this, although I'm kind of "defaulting" to OU being one of the things no matter what. But I can "open another slot," as with _Paper John: Sticker Star_ (currently the only one with a vote; and I was absolutely not expecting anyone to vote for that). If nobody else votes, then I guess PJSS and OU will be my next two picks. And maybe a third one, as well.

And yes, _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ mentioned that something spoiler-y involving Bill is supposed to be revealed in this story. I will promise right here that it will be in the first season here, so that you do not have to wait until TJOWPAC is already over, SJAHJ is over, and HTS is going on its second and final season to find out. I really just wrote that paragraph as a reminder to myself, if anything, to get Bill's backstory out of the way in Season 1.


	5. Water and Fire Temples

**Housestuck: The Split**

 **Chapter 5: Water and Fire Temples**

 **Beginning AN:**

 **Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass amoeba. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

 **(Water Temple)**

"I HEARD BAD THINGS ABOUT THIS PLACE AND FUDGE I CAN'T EVEN SWIM!"

Sheldon whined that as his group - himself, Rose, Feferi, and Meenah - OH SHIT, wasn't like Jake kind of Feferi's SJAHJ patron and that would go to other things? Eh, screw it, it's not like anyone here who isn't John or Nepeta matters to this plot. Also, the reason Nepeta doesn't actually know of this patron thing it's a meta thing, and Nepeta specifically organizred the groups. She's not _that_ prepared.

Anyway, they made it through the temple and found the end, but Sheldon was exhausted.

"Stop whining." Said Rose.

"But I like whining :("

Anyway considering the pattern wit Rose Quartz, Alucard, and Kamina, you can probably tell where this is going.

Sheldon opened the door and saw Morpha.

"Great." Said Sheldon. "That looks oddly slimy, that thing was controling water? What even is that, a big cell? Uh..."

Then because Sheldon doidn't think of that exploit to trap Morpha in the corner, Morpha grabbed Sheldon and threw him on some spikes and that killed him.

* * *

 **(Fire Temple)**

So they were by the door too. Also, because it's fire, it was really fucking hot.

"I am going in." Brenda said with a sigh. Her group consisted of Dave, Aradia, Damara, Gamzee, and Kurloz. "Stay out here it's safe."

"You cna talk?" Dave asked as Brenda went in through the boss door.

The group waited, and nothing happened.

So then they walked in and-

HOLY SHIT. It was Volvagia, in the middle!

"Hey man!" He said. "Um, some biology test walked in here! And uh, I disected her. Her name was... Betilla, or something?"

* * *

 **(Here's Flashback)**

Brenda walked in to the boss room and saw the gigantic fucking dragon thing and roled her eyes.

"Oh, hell no. I'm 41. I'm too old for this shit." She said.

And then Volvagia sliced at her with a claw.

* * *

 **(EndFlashback)**

"Okay you want here there she is."

Volvagia pointed to the wall, which had Brenda like fucking kind of laid out disected. Don't worry this story censors gore. Uh, so does _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_.

* * *

 **(I know the title of this was Water and Fire temples but the last chapter had a cliffhanger of the Shadow and Spirit Temples and also there's this one story element I'd like to get done in the first season but I'd not have Chapter 6 just crammed and shit together with too much shit)**

"Well. Well. Well." Said Aibur to Nepeta, held at gunpoint. The Prism Crew, still at 360 (since they couldn't like shove in more), utterly surrounded the small group of Rainbow Crews. "I think I might know why you are so interested in me, and found my base after your 'time travel.' Isn't that right, _BILL CIPHER?!_ "

"What?" Asked Jade.

"What." Asked Kanaya.

" _WHAT THE FUCK?!_ " Asked John.

Nepeta sighed. "Okay I'll explain that. You see, in the loop timeline, I ended up trapped with a dead Hank Hill and some dark magic from Doc Scratch, which turned the three of us in to Plank. Then, the Dark Magic took over. We were sent to Multiverse B - you'll find out about that soon enough - where Aranea there, who was evil - most of us in Multiverse B's main timeline are evil - ate us. And gained Slenderman Powers. Then, after she was dead, the fact that Aranea absorbed those powers was also kind of reverse-absorbed in to Plank. So Plank could slightly move. That version of Jhon in that world had _Ed, Edd, Eddy n: The Mis-Edventures 2_ , which has the same commonly-known multiverse travelling powers of the first EENE: TME."

"WHAT?!" Asked John. "That stupid video game can let people travel through universes?!"

"And time and space and _**everything.**_ **" Nepeta said. "I thought it was a basic thing they taught you."**

John shook his head. "I had no idea."

"Also, that you in Multiverse B's main timeline was obsessed with that game. Anyway:

"So then using TME 2, Plank teleported in to Multiverse C. There, he formed a bond with Peter Griffin. They tried to take advantage of this butt monster's attempt to end the world to gather the power of 361 strippers and try to use their souls to become ultimate. But then... eh, good guys won and completely wiped out/excorsized the dark magic out."

"Anyway, because of being from differnet multiverse - this one, Multiverse D - Plank had some odd effects that tampered with the way Multiverses B and C had timelines and stuff. Mainly, the timelines weren't as 'free' to multiply, so there were less. Anyway, most of the Planks were able to be relocated and taken out of the multiverse via Weird Quantum Shit, which was caused by one and only one Plank that was 'prototyped' in an alternate timeline/universe. That prototyped 'Planksprite' used some kind of Weird Quantum Device to bring all of the other Planks together in to something in Multiverse D. That's a collaged being known as Yggdrasil."

Aibur nodded. "You forgot how the original Plank ended up in Multiverse A, briefly."

Nepeta shrugged. "Yeah, that's not important. But yes the _other_ me is a component of Plank, but not me."

"Who the fuck is Bill?" Asked John.

"Yggdrasil made a dream projection, but it could only reach Multiverse A. The avatar there was actually the projection of the Dark Magic. The result is this triangular dream demon known as Bill Cipher." Nepeta shrugged. "This should be basic knowledge."

Aibur just snickered. "You are still under my surrounded.s Prepare to have a slightly unpleasant experience."

* * *

 **(Spirit Temple)**

"So... uh." Said Yoko. Tavros just gasped (this was Tavros's temple thing right? When it should be... NO WAIT, is Tavros... uh, fuck it). "You're going to shoot me?"

"Well... yes."

Then she fired.

BUT, Yoko jumped out of the way and got her OWN gun out!

"NO!" She shouted. "FUCK YOU!"

Yoko began to fire... well, fire, since her gun does that right? She fired fire at Cortana but she just got out some device.

"Subject is a bit not willing to die." Said Cortana. "I am going to leave now."

Then she teleported away in blue light.

"...The bloody fuck was THAT?!" Jake asked.

"I don't know." Replied Yoko. "Let's meet up in the Forest Temple like the plan apparantly was that Sollux texted me because he's a hacker."

So then Yoko led them out.

* * *

 **(Shadow Temple)**

Aibur had everyone in handcuffs.

"Okay Mrs. 'Morally Ambiguous.'" Said John ."How are we going to get out of THIS ONE?!"

Nepeta shrugged. "I don't know. I wasn't even expecting Aibur to be here in this timeline! It was not part of my plan!"

"Everyone follow me and don't worry I'm not killing anyone _YET._ " Said Aibur, but she had a lot of malice in her intent.

So then she rounded them up to her ship and flew off with them. And they were heading around Canada in the direction of dun dun dun... THE FOREST TEMPLE!

* * *

 **(Water Temple)**

Meenah reached inside her trident-outfit bikini (I THINK that's what she wears, I gotta make a list of outfits... maybe next chapter?) and got out TRIDENTARANGS! And threw them at Morpha!

Then Feferi just took her own trident thing andk illed Morpha. She turned to the group.

"Hey IU just want to remind you that I can kill people." She said, this is a reference to what she says in Chapter 8 of _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ when she killed the Stalfos. "I'm not all just nihce."

Meenah gasped. "First! You're better than an Alpha? The fuck? Second, so it was YOU that killed the Stalfos?!"

"...I thought I told you."

Meenah shrugged. "M aybe you did and I just forgot. Anyway, Stalfos was my friend and-"

Then they heard shower running, even though Morpah was dead and the water in his arena went away.

Meenah ran over and opened the curtains.

"STALFOS!" She cheered.

"...Who are you?" Asked the Stalfos. This was his split timeline self, by the way, he's still alive.

* * *

 **(Fire Temple)**

"So," Said Volvagia. "You guys are named Araffa, Gamjee, and uh... Damrea, Kuruhz, and..." He looked at Dave. "Mike."

"MY NAME IS DAVE!" Dave got super offended!

"Okay Mike, we're gonna fight now!"

Gamzee then suddenly turned in to sobor Gamzee (I lost track of if he was papped back in Chapter 12 of _Hurricane_ or not) while Aradia used spirits of the dead to haunt Volvagia.

"Argh, I think these trolls are after me." Said Volvagia. "Hey, Mike, can you tell them to back off? I was just hungry and there were a lot of Gorons and shit and I just wanted to, you know, kill and eat them."

"MY NAME IS NOT MIKE!" Dave complained. "IT'S DAVE! THE OTHER NAMES AT LEAST SOUND SIMILAR, BUT MY NAME IS NOT CLOSE TO MIKE!"

Then Kurloz just used dark gravity magic to pull Volvagia down, and Damara pulled a meteor from the asteroid belt and brought it down. I heard that this loli asshole from _One Punch Man_ does that but I haven't gotteen to thatpoint yet. I like how that anime has a lot of naked people but so far there was just one naked women and she's probably dead. :( I want to write a story where there's more nakeds, but these _Housestuck_ stories don't count because they are shit.

* * *

 **(Forest Temple - OUTSIDE)**

Let's just say that troll psychics from Damara got the Fire Temple gang to the Forest Temple, and that Stalfos had a car that drove the Water Temple Team. Uh, basically, everyone was there, but the Shadow Temple gang, and John and Nepeta (the Prism Crew also found Meulin), was all held hostage in front of the forest temple, and the whole Rainbow Crew and Hecksing were both there to see it. Except Alucard, who was dead.

"HA HA HA!" Said Aibur. "Now, if you don't tell me the inner secrets of the Bill Cipher, I'LL KILL YOU WITH ZOMBIES!"

Then she chanted, and from the forest ground a bunch of zombies came up!

OH SHIT!

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

Whoo! Just one more chapter to go and I can break my self-induced hiatus and get to _Ordinarily United_!


	6. Yes Aibur Sucks but Why?

**Housestuck: The Split**

 **Chapter 6: Yes Aibur Sucks; but Why?**

 **Beginning AN:**

 **Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by several expert teenagers and one badass hoarde of zombies. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

"Zombies are attacking now!" Aibur cried.

And yes there were zombies all around the forest temple!

"BWAH!" Said Hank Hill, Sage of Forest. "We should get INSIDE instead of standing out to see the Nepeta and gang being kidnapped."

"BUT WE'RE THE RAINBOW CREW AND THE RAINBOW CREW STICKS TOGETHER! :(" Said Dave.

"Yeah, but it's more practical that we run inside!"

So they did. But the zombies followed after them!

"Wait a minute." Said Seras. "I've fought zombies all the time in Hecksing. I should go shoot them and blow them up."

"By the way," said Integra, "according to the communicators, Alucard's dead. I want to know what the fuck just happened."

Hank just dismisingly waved his hand. "Oh, us Sages kind of have to die to activate something. Yggdrasil is in this timeline too, we should get the ship and everything ready in order to undo the curse. It involves something called the triple force power thing."

Since thre is no Phantom Ganon because there is no usual Ganon, the Forest Temple didn't have a "boss" either, and Nepeta was like "shoot" because she mentally also wanted to sneak up on Hank and kill him. But anyway, Hank still ended up in that symbol room as with the other five Sages, and then the zombies snuck up on him, grabbed him, and slowly impaled him to death on poles as they ate him.

Seras was sad. "That's what Alucard loved doing..."

But then anyway the plan Aibur had to be a jerk backfired! Because all six Sages were dead, and remmeber this didn't happen in the Loop Timeline (Brenda and Sheldon were still alive), so we didn't see the consequences in full. Anyway, that caused the Forest Temple to grow a huge flower and then a ship came out. It was this huge, moon-sized ship with, ew, _Hank Hill's face_ on it.

"LET'S CLIMB ON THAT THING!" Nepeta said, shaking off Aibur who was stunned at the moment.

Rose just fired the portal gun and most of the Rainbow Crew was able to dodge all the zombies and stuff and jump in, but Nepeta was captured by Aibur's hands. Aibur grinned.

* * *

 **(On the strange shi[p thingy)**

"Okay, what the fuck is this." Dirk asked seriously. Is this the first thing Dirk said in this story?

Thankfully, a holo-board came up with information.

"THIS IS THE SAGE-SHIP. OH, ALSO, DETECTING IMPURITY:"

And then it blasted some laser thing at Aibur. Who stopped grinning.

"OH SHIT!" She shouted. "I'M SORRY! YOU SEE, I WAS BRAINWASHED, AND I DID A PRISM CREW GOLD-THINGY THAT BRAINWASHED THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THE PRISM CREW!"

"Brainwashed...?" Nepeta asked. "By who?"

Meanwhile, on the ship, Carl was grinning.

* * *

 **(Flashback, Mars)**

"SOUNDS THE ALARMS!" Shouted a topless red-skinned woman with azure hair and a ncie rack. This is the Spider Queen from _Lesbian Spider-Queens of Mars_. I realized I never actually explored what Mars was like even thougjh it's where Carl the main character of HUC was from. So there's that.

A bunch of topless red and yellow-skinned women were firing lasers and throwing fires and stuff around the buildings, but there was this one green guy that kept jumping and parkouring over everything. He's too good! It's almost like he's a Gary Stu!

But that's the twist: He was CARL! He looked back and grinned.

"Sorry, Spider Queens," he said, "but I found that this planet Earth has a looooot of cool shit. Like vampires. Maybe I'll become one... maybe I'll fuck a hot one too, ha ha."

The Spider Queen rolled her eyes. "Heretosexuals."

"Also, I want to go Earth where straights are the dominants and gays are the recessive and not the other way around."

"I think you mean major and minority, and even that's not true in this fan fic where everyone is banging everyone. 'Dominant aand recessive' is not how it works."

"Hey, I'm on crack right now, so don't expect perfect biology."

Spider Queen trried to use her crystal staff to wrap around him, but he used his sonic wave guitar to break it! And then he ran to the space ship.

"GAH HA HA!" He shouted. Also, as he went ot his space ship, he passed a WANTED poster of him. That said this!

* Wanted for: Punching a guy in the nuts.  
* Stealing (jewelry but also fancy expensive cars)  
* Arson (No casualties because most Martians are women and Carlson wants to keep them alive because he likes looking at their boobs)  
* Drunk statue-pissing  
* Being a dick

Then he said "MAYBE I'LL EVEN _KILL_ SOMEONE IF I LAND! ON PURPOSE! AND IF EVEN SOME SORT OF TOP-SECRET ORGANIZATION ASKS, I'LL JUST SAY THIS WAS A VACATION THAT TURNED BAD, AND I'M NORMALLY AN AWESOME ROCKSTAR!"

Then he went in, and the Spider Queen glared.

So Carl was evil the entire time! What a twist!

* * *

 **(The Hank Ship)**

Speaking of the Spider Queen, she beamed on there too. Specifically by Nepeta and Aibur.

"Ah, good." She said, "It seems Carl's ray wore off."

Carl was watching the thing from the ship with binoculars. His eyes widened when he saw the Spider Queen. "Uh oh..." he said, then he ran off to the unknown.

Nepeta, Aibur, the Prism Crew, and Spider Queen went on there.

"Hi there." Said the Spider Queen, "I'm one of the two queens that rule Mars. Anyway, Carl was one of us. We Martians reproduct homosexually, so the males are green and the females and red and yellow."

"Doesn't that technically make you two completely different species?" Asked Jane. "I mean, by the laws of biology?"

"...Fuck, I guess it does. Oh well. Anyway, Carl is an escaped fugitive. We just could not accuse him because he had used something called the Omega Death Star MK9 No The MK Does Not Stand For Mario Karg. Also I just wanted an excuse to leave my wife she's a crazy motherfucker. I hate her."

"Anyway let's take this ship off." Said Nepeta. "Let's investigate the Death Star thingy. It may be the key to reviving your loop timeline counterpart. By counterpart I mean your self there, not that shitty 'counterpart' system that we were forced in to thanks to Stitch or something, I can't remember."

"...The light's green on the street." Said Rose. "We should go now."

"No," said Nepeta, "we're in Canada. In Canada, green means stop and red means go."

I had that fact and wanted to make a joke about someone not undersstanding how Canada and EEurope are like Reverse America, but the chapters didn't really have that much Canada it was _Zelda_ sshit so I put it in there."

Then suddenly, just as the ship was about to take off, Calliope spawned from a portal, huffing and breaathing!

"Hellou guys I already knouw abouut the lououp timeline and I came here tou help, eh." She said with a thick Canadian accent. "Doun't leave me behind."

"Where did the portal come from?" Asked Rose.

Calliope held up the split timeline version of the Portal Rock.

"Oh." Said Rose. "Also, who the hell are you?"

"I will explain ounce youu get in the Hank Hill Mecha."

So they _did_ fly... (oh wiat, Aibur called the full Prism Crew without the brainwashing they were still friends, but there was actually 20,000 memebrs total. They also docked their ship on the Hank Gigantic Ship, not to be confused with the Hank Mecha.)

But didn't even get past the moon as some huge wooden thing with wood-tentacles (branches? vines? Eh, fuck it, I just want this chapter and season out of the way) wrapped around the ship! You can tell it was big because of the ship being the size of the moon as mentioned before.

"Ah, this must be Yggdrasil." Said Aibur. "The collective collection of the Planks multiplied the various many worlds theory of Multiverse B. You see, if the Triple Force is merged together, it can grant a wish, like being back to normal. I beleive Yggdrasil wishes they weren't a big Plank clusterfuck." She said 'fuck' really elegantly like." Now, I believe Plank was already touched by Doc Scratch and Calliope, two of the pieces. John, all we need is a touch from you to grant their wish."

So John went over to a random vine thing, shrugged, and touched them.

Then Yggdrasil started glowing, and all the Hanks ished to still be dead because of something about moving forward (I did this same thing near the end of HHC). And then the rest of it reverted in to like billions of Nepetas.

This is also what killed Bill in Chapter 7 of _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_.

"Hi," said one of the many Nepetas, and they were all floating in the air. "We have ascended from sharing our collective Plank knowledge and know a lot. The final battle with Carrie is upon us, our creator."

"I want to explain things in case the reader is confused." Said Alucard. "Multiverse A is where _Journals of Wisdom, Power, and Courage_ and related fics take place in; the _Gravity Falls_ still. B is _Sweet Jade and Hella John_. C is _The Eds' EDventure_ and its surprise sequels and stuff, there's a lot of surprise sequels. And D is this one. _Gumball Vs Satan_ took place in a seperate reality but things were so screwed up that it crossed over with Multiverse C anyway."

"We'll head to the Omega Death Star." Said the same Yggdrasil-Nepeta. "You can follow us if you want. Or not, we really don't care."

So they used some kind of mental energy ship thingy and took off, leaving the Rainbow Crew extremely confused.

And then Homer also showed up! And with Cortana too! They were both holding guns out!

Then Integra just them each in the leg.

"Okay, this is weird enough as-is without you around." She said. "Talk."

Then a giant Hank Hill mech dropped down, like the one from _Hurrcain_. The cockpit or whatever since I'm not good with mechas opened up and Dave was inside, grinning.

"I THINK I FOUND THE MECHA THAT THE MECHA WAS TALKING ABOUT!"

 **END OF SEASON 1.**

* * *

 **Closing AN:**

Wow, _finally!_ Now I can move on to other things! Boy, to be blunt, working on this kind of felt like shoving a cactus up my soul's ass. Um, right. Ultimatley though, the seventeen-day hiatus (it would have been eighteen if I included today but I really didn't want to wait, as soon as I finished this I opened up a new Wordpad file and started with OU; more on that in the following sentences) was probably for the better, as it convinced me to drop the old idea for _Ordinarily United_ and consider a new idea that I liked a lot more. If I was still working on OU's first chapter bit by bit _daily,_ it probably would have taken me more to drop it... heck, maybe until I actually _publish_ it and I'd end up with another _360 Degree Duck_ case where the old version just has one chapter to its name. But still, a 17-day hiatus. Which was murder on my urge to write. It would have been 18, one additional day for today, but I honestly couldn't wait and I used the reasoning that this was the end anyway so I don't need to worry about 'preparing' this.

Anyway. I put up a poll during HTS Season 1 about what you'd want me to work on after its hiatus is done. Surprisingly to me, people actually voted (because most of my polls get no votes at all). So... I might put effort in to making a Tumblr post about that at some point, with the order of which results I want to work on. But regardless, the main things are that today I'm starting on _Ordinarily United_ (as I already said; well, by "start" I mean "begin the new version," since I already wrote a ton of this older version) and tomorrow I will begin Chapter 6 of _naruto the guy with the ninja_.


End file.
